I was trying to figure out why I have been struggling so hard with PTSD the last several days, and I finally realized that Father’s Day triggered it.
It’s a yearly reminder of what my abuser did to me in order to make himself a father.
And it’s a reminder of how he has systematically continued to try and cause heavy damage to me as I try to parent my children, in addition to the emotional trauma I already struggle with as a result of his abuse.
The stress has been overwhelming lately and there’s not much I can do but get through it. I hate it, because my children are exposed to the fallout, as much as I try to mask my struggle. Self-care is not easy to accomplish with three young children in tow; yet trauma does not wait for a break in life. It hits when it hits, like a ton of bricks crushing me; and all I can do is keep breathing until it lifts.
I wish so much I had had my children with a healthy partner. I can’t escape the responsibility I feel for choosing him as a partner, even though I was not aware of his abusive tendencies when I made that choice. The guilt is intrinsically woven into the way trauma works, as well as the natural anxiety most people have about being parents, even if they have children in ideal circumstances.
As a happy person at my core, I’m more than capable of choosing a positive perspective; but I still have to acknowledge the burden of pain and resentment I inevitably have to deal with, because a man once decided I was property to be used for his own whims; and my life is marked by real-world consequences because he not only made me a parent against my will, but directly tries to hinder me from being an adequate parent.I struggle financially because of how he managed to manipulate the legal system to avoid paying full child support, even though he makes a much higher income. I struggle with the stress of parenting alone. I have a multi-layered struggle with my children’s emotional and behavioral issues, because he is a toxic, narcissist parent, and I have to work overtime to help offset the emotional damage he causes to them. I struggle with pain, anger, regret, guilt, and anxiety, because I couldn’t get full custody of them, so I have to watch them get repeatedly hurt by him.
Today I read a beautiful piece by Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love, posted to her Facebook page. She wrote about living with an undefended heart, and how being open without boundaries leaves one susceptible to anxiety and abuse:
Until you learn how to hold appropriate boundaries, and stand in integrity, and speak your truth, you will never have a relaxed moment in your life. You will live like a fugitive, always on the run, always hiding, always afraid of being exposed.
A heart without healthy and appropriate boundaries can only suffer in a constant state of anxiety and defense — vigilant against the next attack,helpless against other people’s will.
Then she shared a fascinating anecdote about the herd dynamics of horses:
Allow me to introduce you to the Alpha Mare.
This is an idea that came to me through my beloved friend Martha Beck, who explained to me how the psychology of a herd of horses works. At the top of the hierarchy of a herd of horses, there is an alpha mare. She is the leader. (Stallions come and go, but the mare is in charge of the herd forever.) All the other horses look to her, in order to know what to do and how to feel. As long as she remains calm, the rest of the herd feels calm. And the alpha mare is always calm, because her boundaries are AIRTIGHT. She knows exactly who she is, and nobody messes with it. Nobody approaches the alpha mare without her invitation. Nobody imposes themselves upon the alpha mare against her will. The alpha mare never lets herself be influenced by another horse’s fears or anxieties or aggression. She knows what the right thing to do is, and she does it. Everyone else follows. She doesn’t need anyone’s approval for anything. She doesn’t need anyone’s permission. She lives and breathes from a place of integrity and certainty, because of her strong and appropriate boundaries. And as a result, SHE IS ALWAYS RELAXED.
And because she is relaxed, everyone around her is RELAXED.
Thus the whole herd can live safely and peacefully around her, with undefended hearts, and the alpha mare’s heart is undefended, too.
Gilbert then created a beautiful analogy between the Alpha mare’s qualities and the human experience:
It is fear that makes you defend your heart, but once you have discovered appropriate boundaries, you do not need to live in constant fear.
No. You can only live with an undefended heart once you know the difference between “This is OK for me,” and “This is not OK for me” — so you never need to worry or stress about what’s going to happen to you next, or somebody will say next, or who will harm you.
Once you know the difference between “This is OK”, and “This is not OK”, you can walk anywhere in this world safely — your guard down, your eyes filled with curiosity, your soul filled with simple wonder.
Yep. #LifeGoals.
I’m not there yet, but I won’t stop fighting until I am. I’m impatient to be well for my kids, but without being able to afford therapy, and without having a core support system in my life, it feels like a slow process. One foot in front of the other. But I will be well. It’s not a question of if, it’s a question of when – and “when” will happen sooner than I think.
I know this because a moment of healing happened at the peak of my depression on Father’s Day. I was washing dishes, staring absently out the kitchen window, half-hearing the conversation between my children about how their birthdays all fall in holiday months. I smiled at how excited they were to discover that fact.
Then it hit me. My oldest son was born near Thanksgiving. My younger son was born near Independence Day. My daughter was born at Christmastime.
Gratitude, freedom, and the gift of peace.
It’s all about perspective.
Those are the lenses through which I choose to view my life with my children now. An abusive, cowardly man tried to use me for his own selfish purposes; yet good overcame evil. I didn’t choose the manner in which I conceived children, but I am lucky that I get to share my life with these amazing little humans. They are miracles in their own right. They are intrinsically worthy of their existence, and I will spend the time I have with them helping them internalize that.
That is my truth. That is the internal boundary I will set against the feelings that come with PTSD. That is the internal boundary I will set against my children’s toxic father. That is the truth from which I will parent.
The journey that led me from my roots growing up in a Reagan-era conservative Republican, Evangelical community to my current status of basically atheist feminist registered as “unaffiliated” with any political party, involved a complete paradigm shift.
Looking back at my childhood in a Jerry Falwell/James Dobson-influenced Evangelical culture, surrounded by a larger Conservative Right culture, I can trace how both ideological platforms fed off each other.
Stubborn Selfish Woman 